Happy Anniversary-The Five-Year Hump

As I sit down to write this, I cannot believe that 5 years have gone by since the creation of this blog and our move to The Netherlands.  Sometimes, it seems like these 5 years have been just as normal (well mostly) as if we had stayed in our home state, and other times, it feels like we have experienced so much that we have completely changed who we are.  These 5 years have seen their fair share of excitement and fun but also hardships, self-doubt, and frustration.  I am reminded of a family relations class that I took in college (more years ago than I care to admit) in which the professor said that generally the first year and the fifth year of marriage have been shown to be the most difficult.  Maybe that holds true for an overseas move as well.

For obvious reasons, our first year was tough.  It was filled with lots of exciting new adventures and friends but lots of uncertainty and self-doubt.  After that, it felt like we had hit our stride a bit.  Sure, things would crop up here and there, friends would still move away, and Covid was a rough blow for certain, but for the most part, things were going pretty well.  And now, here we were in our fifth year, and things once again became difficult.

For starters, we have been struggling all year (and if we are honest for a year or so before this) with our youngest’s school environment.  He has struggled with being an outcast from the small group of kids in his grade (a problem we had been worried about with the small school) for almost two years, but this year, it escalated into full bullying and not the physical (for the most part) kind which might have been easier to deal with.  No, it was a full psychological assault, and though we knew it was happening, we weren’t aware of the full impact it was having on our child until a few months ago.  Aside from the parent guilt of having put and left him in this situation, this put us into a panic about what to do because it was clear that we could not leave him in this environment anymore.  Unfortunately, the nearest school that utilizes a school schedule and curriculum that we are comfortable with is about a 40-minute drive away.  This put us into a tailspin of uncertainty about whether we could compromise on some of what we are looking for and go to a closer school, or if we would have to face the prospect of driving back and forth every day and being unable to attend as many school functions as if we lived closer.  In the end, after trying to weigh many factors, the further school won, and we had to scramble to apply and gain admission.  Luckily, we did, and we have been full steam ahead with embracing the new school since, however, we still have the daily drive looming over us and the difficulty of having one foot in the door at two unrelated schools as our oldest it still at the old school for one final year.  It has certainly caused some stress and will most likely continue to do so into the future.

A second difficulty this past year has involved our oldest.  Last year, she began an International Baccalaureate program at school, and though we knew it was going to be time consuming and demanding, I don’t think we were fully prepared for the amount of time it would take her away from family time.  With very little free time left, she spent a lot more time in her room working and a lot less time doing things with us.  In addition, watching the effect that this workload had on her was devastating as a parent because I want her to still have time to be a kid and to enjoy her last years of high school.  On top of that, she faces her own difficulties with the school environment and the lack of social opportunities which brought up those old feelings of self-doubt and the same question that I had a lot in the first year of this experience which was “did we make the right decision, or did we destroy our children’s happiness?”  And to add insult to injury, we had to begin thinking about where she is going next.  Graduation and moving away is hard enough in normal circumstances, but with college looming, the possibility of her heading back to the US and us still living here was beginning to look less like a possibility and more like a reality.  All of this was enough to induce some definite stress and uncertainty.

Another struggle this past year has been health related.  I have been having a few issues (more than I wanted or anticipated) with my health this past year.  Nothing truly life threatening or serious that I know of, but I was still caught by surprise and thrown into a bit of a tailspin by what I was experiencing.  Health issues are a stressor in and of themselves, but living here, I really struggle with the healthcare system.  I don’t want to experience problems and have to utilize a system that I do not fully trust, understand, or agree with.  Having a major health issue here has been one of my fears from the beginning and having to deal with these things this year has really brought me down.  My frustrations with the healthcare system and my own self for having these issues has been very difficult this year and has taken a bit of a toll on me mentally.

Finally, as I have mentioned before, one of the hallmarks of being an expat is never really knowing how long you will stay or where you will go next.  For some expats, this is a yearly ordeal, but for us, it was never that bad.  In the first year, we knew how long we would be here (at least so far as we had planned), and only as we hit our third year, did we start to have to question that reality and make decisions.  After deciding to stay until our oldest graduates, this worry was again removed for us.  But here we were in this past year, having to have these discussions again as graduation is on the horizon, and with a job and another child, it is not as easy as just picking up and leaving.  So, uncertainty is back as we lean into the ever-popular expat behavior of just sitting back and waiting until the answers and the path become clearer so that a decision can be made.

But don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad.  We have taken some amazing trips this past year and done a lot of fun things.  We have enjoyed time with longtime friends and even made new friends.  We have had accomplishments and successes and things to celebrate.  I guess, just like with marriage, there are difficulties (some years more than others) and there are joys.  It’s up to us to decide whether we let those difficulties weigh us down, or if we embrace the happy times and face the uncertainties and frustrations together with the belief that we can face the challenges, find happiness in whatever comes next, and make decisions without fear or doubt because we have each other and a network of people that will see us through.  And maybe, after 5 years, we have seen that even when it doesn’t feel like it, we might be a little stronger than we think.

So now, to hold myself accountable, here is a revisit of last year’s goal.

1. Taking 5 trips that were slated for year 5.

I’m happy to report that we took 4 of the 5 planned trips.  One had to be substituted for an alternate location.  We loved these trips and had a really good time together.

2. Have at least 1 conversation in Dutch in which I don’t sound like a two-year-old.

I’m not sure I accomplished this, but my oldest reminds me that a two-year-old can’t order in a restaurant or make a dental appointment.  In addition, while it isn’t a conversation, I did read a whole 250 page book in Dutch, so that was an accomplishment for me.

3. Get back in shape.

I wish I could say I accomplished this.

4. Complete the list of places to see in The Netherlands that I created our first year.

We are so close.  We have scheduled to see the last 2 places within the next 4 weeks, so fingers crossed, we get to.

5. Complete 6 bike route trips that I had researched.

We have completed 3 of the 6 trips.  Upon further research, they weren’t as doable as I originally thought, but I haven’t given up completely.

So, do I have goals for this year?

1. Getting myself to where I want to be physically is my number one goal this year.
2. Working on 3 or 4 creative ventures that I have been thinking about for a while.
3. Getting to a list of about 10 museums that we would like to see.
4. Bike to the beach.

This coming year is going to mostly be about spending time together as a family before our oldest leaves and about supporting both of the kids in their school work and activities.  It should be a crazy and emotional year which will come with many challenges and difficulties I am sure, but I hope that we can find many positives and enjoy ourselves along the way.  So, I hereby raise my (imaginary) glass to five years of “my so called Dutch life.”  Through all the ups and downs, you have been more life altering than I ever thought possible.  Happy Anniversary!

**For those that are still out there and following our journey after 5 years, thank you for sticking with us!  I would love for you to comment or just say hi as I never know who is following along.  Also, if there are any questions/topics that you would like to see addressed, let me know-I’m always searching for new material that can be covered.